Not yourself or feel like you are your own person

    Have you ever felt like you are not yourself anymore and you feel like you just feel alone and trapped inside your won skin but you know that someone out there wants to save you? but you don't know how to save yourself or how to have them help you?

    I have been feeling this way for a while now. Ever since I started a job where I was miserable, coming home in cuts, crying, barley eating or sleeping, and getting brutally sick. I couldn't take it and left finally today but the damage. I think it gonna linger because it's just one of those things you can't break from. I wasn't there for a long period of time. But it left a nasty scar on my heart, mental state.

    I nearly got mauled in the face by a dog, nearly bitten in the arm for just trying grab a dog to yank it back to it kennel, i was always afraid for my life. I hated it because I have no idea who I became. I ended up shut down pretty badly because it was easier to get through the work days.

    Now since I have left. Thought life would be happier for me, life would move on. No, because even now. I am still skittish, I have bad urges to cry, urges to throw stuff because of all pent up emotions I kept repressing for so long. I want to feel normal! Hell just feel part of me that still there like "hey we are here. We didn't die away" it hurts because it feels like apart of me had died away when i was at that job. But time can only tell if it will get better or not. I pray it does get better I am tired of this.

    I know I usually I write something else to help you guys along the way. I am trying my hardest to find a way to place into words to help you guys get through this like I am. But it is so hard when I have no idea how to do it myself. I am truly sorry. I know I use to write a lot but it's hard when I have no inspiration to write a blog at all.

    Here is some advice for all of you guys. It is the only one that I can truly think of to help you guys who are going through this like i am as well. Don't be afraid to ask for help and explain what truly has been going on mentally inside your own state because you never know who is out there and who is having the same mental issues you are having as well. I've battle this for ages. I feel like an idiot not saying anything before because I just want to help you guys out. I feel bad that I barley have written a lot to you guys. I know a lot don't read this blog at all but it is the only way I can express and show myself to you guys.

    Understand that no matter what happens, there is always a person like you who is struggle and always wondering when she or he can fix the next person in their life and forget to fix themself. it sucks but it true. I forget to fix myself or learn to ask for help specially when i get this bad and not myself and stop voice my opinion on so much. I am sorry but I am gonna take a longer break, possibly more from writing blogs and just doing a lot of stuff. For those who do read this, understand this. I am for my own mental state. Doing this to save what's left of "me" you can say. I don't know who I am anymore.

    Feel like a stranger in my own skin because of how much I have let myself be eaten and destroyed by the hate and despair of that horrible job. I may write every so often but I am still unsure about it at all because I just want to find some kind of peace inside my own self and fix the damage that was caused. I think you all should do that. Look deep inside yourself and try to remember who you are. Who you truly are meant to be and who you wanna be. From the greatest person in Drag Queen history. "How can you love someone else? if you can't love yourself?" Those words have been with me for ages. But as an old friend use to tell me. "Don't fix what ain't broken." I do plan to get that tattoo onto my skin one day.

    Don't fix what ain't broken. If you feel like you're broken and don't wanna be fixed. Then don't be fixed. Just fix what you fix inside of yourself if it means finding out who you are then do it! Don't forget where you truly belong. who your true friends are! That's all I have to say for now. I hope this helps you guys. I truly do. I am sorry this such a long one. I am sorry but I feel like this something that had to be done and said for a VERY long time. 

    I do plan on change up the blog website. I wanna try fix it up a bit if I can. Maybe even find an actual blog website to post on it! But I will keep you all updated for sure! Promise!

Crimson Scarlett Sign off

Email: Alphagamerkitty@gmail.com

Don't be afraid to email me if you need someone to talk to or just want me to write a special blog. I don't mind help out any way I can. I don't want to see you suffering and have no one to help you.