Judgment and Scars
I am unsure where this blog will go or how things are gonna sound and I do apologize for this. But I was watching The Sandman on Netflix. Amazing show which i do suggest watching if you guys ever get the chance to watch it. But yeah this not about the tv show. I promise you it not about that.
Alright so what I want to write about this blog is how like do you always feel alone and how you have no mental escape at all? You feel trap inside your own skin and how any time you wake up and you do the same course of action over and over again? It just endless cycle and you feel like your not getting any where and at a job that just ain't make you happy and the dream job you want is so far away?
How I truly feel because I feel like I am always living a dream or just walking alone in a world full of couples and full of just people who don't understand me that well unless I try to explain. But even then though there so many rumors spread about yourself that are not even true and end of the night there people who commit suicide because of it.
No matter how much you try or how much you want to scream at them. Attack, Damage them like they have caused you damage. There is no way of doing it without doing much time in prison or any deadlier place that could lead to your own death from them wanting to get revenge.
I have sit inside my own room and cried and cried because I feel so fucking helpless and just lost inside my own damn body that I feel like I am not worth anything anymore. How your body feels like your just breaking apart though you know it because of your own mental state just breaking. I can't tell you how many times I have thought of ending it.
Pain is not and easy thing to get over even grief is a painful thing or even sexual urges. When you met the man of your dreams and yet you want to get sexual but your so damage that your so fucking scared that you freeze up and stop because you just feel like all the damage to your body is gonna turn them away from you.
Judgement....This feels like what I am write about is judgement not just of yourself or others but in general because no matter what. People are always judge and judge you till the day you die and even then you are get judge. It brutal and honestly the worst feeling in the world. Special when you judge yourself and you have no escape but your own personal hell is one you make it.
I am write this shaking and very much jittery because of me just fucking write how I been feeling and never once been able to seriously get it out. I am broken, damage, beyond repair that it will take a therapist so many years to fix what has been done to mentally. I have had some physical trauma but it more just so much mental abuse over and over the years that I have finally snapped.
So unsure what has caused it but for past 2 months I have not feeling anything towards much. I feel like apart of me has died away and I have lost a major part of me. I can't even remember the simplest thing I was gonna do because I am so lost inside my own mental state.
Times I see myself in the mirror and I just see a freak show, a person who has no concept of her own mental state because no matter what...People call or tell me. I can never see it because of all the mental abuse and scars that lay on my skin. I can't begin to count how many times I have been judge and name call for so many things. Even screamed and yelled at, mentally tortured that well I have so many scar's.
Judgement and scar's are what lay on my skin now a days because after all these years. After so many friends I have had and so many tell me that they will never leave me and tell me that I am special to them or there best friends. They have always left me in the end no matter what because that what people do.
They lie and lie and lie and judge you for what you truly are no matter what because they don't care at all. They just want to make themselves look good for something they feel like shit inside their own life. Fuck us right!? fuck the ones who are so damage and so broken that we are judge ourself to point we are cause self harm to let go of that pain.
I am so badly shaking and trying to get myself to share this and just get these emotions out because I feel like you all should know this because I feel it best thing to do. I just hate to see anyone else like me inside these shoes who is getting hurt and badly damage because it not right at all.
It why I make these blogs to help you guys. To show you all that I do care and that I know what it feels like to be so badly hurt that you feel like you can't trust anyone not even yourself. Because end of the night the only people you can truly count on lately is yourself or really the ones you know will lay there head down with you on phone call to make sure you fall asleep alright.
Person who text you each day and doesn't stop because you know damn well that person cares and wouldn't break your trust no matter what you do. What you say. What anyone says about you. Those are people who you know just always be there, always defend you, always just be at your side and just make sure your alive even when your at your lowest moment. Never lose them at all because that family right there.
May not be blood family but it family and you will know it when you find it. I am going to end this blog because I am shaking and I can barley see straight atm which is not a good sign, I truly think I am having an anxiety attack.
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